The Beautiful Mind

How difficult is it to learn after all? You read something and you know it. Wish it were that simple. There are so many factors that go into it. First of all there is the desire to learn. One has to have the hunger for knowledge. If one is a reluctant learner, no matter how much one reads the facts just won't register. It would be more like a fleeting study of the text that one is going through while thinking about other things. Only when one really wants to know, wants to learn, does one remember every detail of what one has read. So we come to the point that even memory is selective. We subconsciously make sure that we remember what interests us and gradually erase what is dull and boring. But shouldn't it be the other way round? Remembering what colour dress Victoria Beckham wore to the last P3 party is far easier than knowing the current CRR value. So the mind should be programmed as to give higher priority to what we are reading because we are compelled to over what we are reading because we want to. But no, the wiring has to be that way. Just like your nose will itch just when your hands are full of dough.

So what does one do to know what one hates to read about? First step : start liking it. Yeah right!! But no, there's no other way. You have to start taking interest in it. Gradually things fall into place. I'm working on it. There's another aspect to this - the mode of learning. Eg : I learn best when someone in front of me is telling me about it. If i read about it it doesn't register that well. Also, writing what I've read helps. But reading what I've written a while later ensures that I actually recall every detail about it. There are some people I know who don't learn anything in class but understand the concepts really well if they read a good book. I have to develop this trait sooner or later, else I'll be in hot water.

Hot water reminds me - why do I remember what happened in this PGW but can't remember the name of the newly elected President of Myanmar? Or for that matter the name of the guy who was behind the coup d'etat. Again, selective memory. So do I turn these names into PGW characters and Douglas Adams ETs? Hope I do, and soon.

The brain's a funny thing. And its complexities will take really long to decipher. Watching Taare Zameen Par told me about how a beautiful mind can be wronged in such a barbaric manner. The kid was a true genius and yet, would have been lost in translation had it not been for early counseling.

These days schools have counselers. Even parents are more open to varied options for their children and are willing to consider parallel lines. They are also more receptive to counseling and psychological treatments. But I remember how insensitive parents and teachers alike were to the not so brilliant students in class when I was in Primary School. I just hope kids can live their lives now, especially after this film.

The Last Mughal

I read The Last Mughal by William Dalrymple a few weeks ago. I must admit that I've never enjoyed history more. It's a colourful account of the way Delhi saw the 1857 uprising. I have deliberately avoided using any of the terms "The First War of Independence" and "The Sepoy Mutiny" because both are equally controversial after having read the book.

I had read about the events of 1857 in CBSE history books, CSR articles, and editorials of Independence Day and I had seen a couple of movies that glorified the Indian heroism and the ideology of 'what could have been'. But I guess I never knew the entire story. True, Indians were subject to barbaric treatment. The British were trying to convert Hindus and Muslims alike to Christianity. The sepoys were being suppressed inhumanly. The resistance was inevitable. But as the soldiers rode to Delhi, they killed the British men, women and children blindly. The British residents that survived have written accounts of most horrific murders of innocent lives. And this makes me cringe to think of the fact that reminds me of Godhra and Ayodhya.

Another aspect I didn't know of was the adulteration of the uprising with "jihad". Yes, not missing the opportunity, Islami extremists even then differentiated the Muslims of Delhi and called upon them to fight for jihad against the British. This move alienated the Hindus of the city and disrupted the unity.

All these events put Bahadur Shah Zafar in a fix. I would rightly call him the reluctant Emperor - the poet in pearls.

Ofcourse the book also mentions interesting anecdotes of our very own Ghalib and the lesser known Zauq who was supposedly saner of the two, and hence looked down upon by the former.

The best part about reading this book was that I felt the glory of the city of Delhi that was and I lived the misery of the ruins that still lie gaping with shell marks all over them. I just hope that they are all restored to remind us of the past we can never wash our hands clean off, and they don't demolish any more monuments.

CrossRoads

Sometimes I feel very insecure and scared when I think about what I want to do with my life. There are a few times when I feel like going to Auroville for good. One such instance was a few minutes ago when I was reading this article about economic development affecting nature. Well, that was mostly the head and tail of it. That is when I remembered that I even have a blog and write about it. But this is a step I am scared to take. There could be a lot of repercussions to it. Also, I am not completely sure whether this is exactly what I want or not. Guess I'll never find out unless I actually experience it myself. That is definitely not going to be a bed of roses. But maybe it is, for me.

But what if I get sick of it after a few weeks? What do I do then? Not that I can't come back. I could always come back. But it would just be another thing I failed at. So is this what it is? Am I wanting to go there to run away from my possible failures in life? Maybe so. Only to avoid the many hassles I would be running after, I choose a place where there are no hassles I could possibly after. But again, there's my trait of finding something or the other that I want and don't have. And blow it up.

So when I'm going crazy with all these questions in my head, I just switch everything off and say - Hey.. I don't have to ask myself that question. So just forget it. Rite.

Thank you for Smoking

My bro had it in his laptop. So just watched it. It was... well.. different to say the least. What hit me first was that it was about exactly what the title said. smoking. And yes, much more than that too. I know someone who's trying to quit. God knows how well he's doing. Is he even keeping at it. Strong will power is not exactly his forte. But if he sets his mind to it, he might just get there. For years he was in denial and kept saying that it was not a habit and that he could quit anytime he wanted to. So at least he has moved a step further. Oh so the movie.. rite.. It had layers to it. Ethics, morals, rights and wrong, and most of all integrity.

I wouldn't exactly remember this film when asked about my favourites. But I'm glad I watched it nonetheless. The movie makes you hate the protagonist's guts and at the same time you want him to emerge as the winner. Thank you for smoking. Crisp. Neat. Intriguing.

I have never smoked. Never think I will. Of course I couldn't have avoided passive smoking. But that has been minimal. And personally I find a cigarette in anyone's hand quite a turnoff. So just put that away and maybe then we could talk. ;)

OUTSaucered

Yesterday I was watching The Simpsons and the episode was about outsourcing. It was hilarious, and I found it funnier because they showed Indians spaking in Hindi and Homer and family dancing to the tune of an old Bollywood number. Ofcourse it was irritating when they still showed Indian roads full of elephants and lined with palaces on both sides, but I felt proud nevertheless. Although it was a apoof it definitely asserted that we're making a mark and how.

The best part was when Homer's giving this speech out of nowhere and two people are wondering what he's talking about. Then the girl from MIT says that they should clap so that he stops his humdrum soon. And they were shown talking in Hindi.

But yes, there are still a lot of assumptions people make when they look at an Indian. Hopefully, we break out of the moulds set for us by the outside world soon. Coz we're more than snake charmers and elephant rides.

Switch to DemocraTV

Hugo Chavez, our very own self-proclaimed socialist, who is determined to start a revolution of sorts, is well, full of surprises, to say the least. Now airing an 8-hour long talk show where he went on and an about everything under the sun has showed the world the idea of a true leader of today. The idiot-box bitten Venezuelan masses couldn't have asked for more. They can actually watch their government in front of their eyes. Chavez will reportedly even fire/hire officials on the show. This is reality TV at its very best.

So will Chavez also be affected by the TRPs?? Will he have to create drama on his show just to keep his people glued to the TV and his popularity soaring?? Well, he did break into a song on Sunday. And yes, he was quite funny at times. But is that enough to stop the people from not switching to another channel where a weepy soap is on? I guess the pressure will get to him sooner or later. He might have to fire a loyal employee who is reportedly being 'unprofessional' with his young secretary, or he will have to resort to some obscenity now and then.

But it all boils down to how efficient this experiment can prove to be. If all goes well, this could prove to be an ideal model of a responsive, interactive, accessible government.

So here comes the million dollar question. Can we do he same here? It could be radical and purists wouldn't agree. But if you see the slums, they won't have a light bulb, but definitely a TV with a dish antenna attached. So why not? Our very own democratic soap. Think about it Sonia. You could be the next Tulsi.

Drawing Lines..

I remember the Social Science text books that used to teach secularism and universal tolerance. It was imbibed in us that discrimination on any grounds is downright evil. The civil books used to boast of fundamental rights and duties and the glorious, dreamy Preamble to the Constitution that we would eagerly cram and rant out on the slightest cue.

However, as I grew older, I gradually faced the reality. That discrimination is ubiquitous. The books seemed to be mocking at me now. I felt fooled. Fooled by the principles I was raring to strive by all my life. I learnt that being the daughter of two doctors does help in more ways than one. That having membership for the zaniest clubs adds on to one's value in the market. That "Contacts" help.

I also realised that "The caste system is abolished" is the biggest lie ever published, coz it's most definitely not. If the youth were more tolerant and nonchalant of this idea earlier, it has now been hammered into their heads really well. A general category student feels wronged and cheated when a less deserving candidate gets a seat which was rightfully his, and hence, knowingly/unknowingly he develops a lurking hatred for the next person he meets who basks in reservations.

I was shocked at first when I realised that even my parents make remarks about communities. But going out in the world, I realised that they're the most secular and tolerant people I know. And also, that meeting all kinds of new people who come from various backgrounds, it is very true that a particular trait is striking in the people coming from one region, or belonging to one culture.

Another aspect that pricks one's mind and makes one realise that she is different fromt he other is when she sees excessive chivalry amongst people of a particular sect and feels alienated.

As a young girl I never imagined that I would, out of all the people, turn out to be a prejudiced individual. But I am. Now, religion, language, caste.. does matter to me. Yes, not in a hateful way, ofcourse. But I realise that all these factors do play a very significant role in one's thoughts, temperament, attitude and horizons.

The other day a friend sent me a link to a few translated pieces of the Qoran that were very hateful. A senior of mine reads up all that he can find about every religion and writes about how inhuman and barbaric they actuall are while they claim to be burdened with the other races to be uplifted, etc. But I know that all that will not affect me. I am not here to hate. i am here to love, forgive and forget.

It's not like I am a discriminating person. I am not. I am a very tolerant individual who respects every other. But this feeling is inevitable. I really cannot trust a Muslim with my life, because who knows, he might just be peering into his computer attending secret meetings and gearing up to be the next suicide bomber. What is ironical is that my best friend is Bohra. And I love her a lot. True. Also, I have many many Muslim friends who have never been Muslim friends to me, just great friends. And I am a good friend to them too. So it's really not about the entire community. I have no hatred in my heart, but apprehension truly exists.

I cannot possibly have a problem with any particular religion for the simple reason that I am not completely aware of their teachings. I am a believer. But I feel that if statistics show that a particular religion is triggering inhuman, barbaric activities and thoughts, atleast there's room for improvement. Any religion can only flourish with evolution. The teachings of 200 years ago cannot work now. And even if one tries to ignore what is not to be ingested, it might just seep in without one realising it.

Picnic Hill

The picnic's finally over and done with, and boy! what a picnic it was. Not a very phenomenal championship, but some of the matches were really thrilling. Can't say I followed all of them but didn't miss the good ones. And the men's final was the real ACT IV. Have always been biased for Roger and just couldn't miss this one. Nadal proved to be a worthy finalist and there were so many times when I stared in disbelief at the TV wondering whether Fedex wouldn't be able to break Bjorn Borg's record. But it had to happen. And it was so good.

But the golden rule still remains. The coolest head gets the game. Be it Roddick vs Gasquet or the second set of today's match, the moment the player had his nerves on end, he started committing unforced errors, double faults, et al. So it is the calm, composed player who rises above the rest. And we've seen that happen for the last five years. The humble, quiet, collected Federer, comes, does his thing, smiles and smiles some more and goes back home with the booty. That's the way one is a true winner, be it anywhere.

Not too good after all..

So that waking up at seven life didn't really work out that well after all, but i'm slowly getting there. There are so many factors involved, aren't there? A late night party, or a very cold and damp morning, or a large pizza the previous night...

Hoping that I shun all of this and really pursue the "Good Life" bang on.

Good gal Bad gal

After ages I guess, I got up at seven. Feels good. I just hope I follow this regime now. What elders say is not always hogwash. In fact whatever they say always makes sense at the end of the day. Things like going to bed early so that you study well in the morning works out so well for me. But sticking to it is the challenge. I just hope I can live up to these words.

Since I have the year's plan chalked out ahead of me, there's enough motivation at hand. But deviation is my midle name and I desperately want to change that.

I have to make a conscious effort now to work towards a good life. Sulking with a makeshift arrangement only leads to dissatisfaction and anger with oneself. And little things like working out, getting up early, not wasting time in front of the TV, reading something you wouldn't have laid your hands on otherwise, makes one feel good. I guess I am under a congenital pressure to be good, to seek appreciation from myself and from people around me. And if this isn't motivation enough, what is?

It's raining junk food..

What is it about rain and a strong urge to have good food? I am speaking for myself when I say that as soon as it drizzles, leave alone rain cats and dogs, I instantly start thinking of hot steaming coffee, fried stuff with cheese and a lot more. But I still wonder about what the link is between drops of water, scent of the soil, leaves dancing with joy and our salivary glands. As soon as it starts drizzling and the drying clothes are brought inside before further damage, the pleasing thought of French fries comes to my mind. Then as it pours further, one begins to think as to how it would be like to have those succulent, salted fries with some melted cheese. And as the wind blows harder providing a surround sound effect, one ventures into the tangy hint of ketchup to the oh-so-tempting notion. And before you know it, it stops raining. But you still go ahead and have all that. Thank God for rain. But God help me if I’m not at home and I’m struggling in the muck just to get there.

YouChoob

I had been avoiding the YouTube bug for quite sometime now. But no antibiotics, immunity boosters or tonics helped. First it was the "I don't have time." excuse. Then it turned to "How jobless is that!!" And one fine day, curiosity took over. As I hesitantly ventured into the channels, I tried to spot any familiar name. I ran into HappySlip and voila!! there I was, going through every video one by one, laughing out loud and wanting more. I instantly identified with her vibrance, her silly sense of humour and ofcourse, her goofiness, which I thought I had the patent for, but it turns out otherwise. There was this one video where she says that Nalts is awesome. So began my search for Nalts. First I searched for Nultz, getting boggled by Christine's PeepHole accent. But clearing more bushes away I finally land upon the FUNNYMAN's world. I simply adore the kids. Nalts led me to Pipistrello and others.

So when do I start?? Pas moi!! Vlogging's not for me. Too shy, too scared and too intimidated. Public opinion is on my list. So don't have the guts. And I realise that even if I keep all this aside, making a 1-minute video takes up a lot of effort.

Now Christine obviously writes the dialogue, does the Mom's part, the Dad's part, the Aunty's part and everything separately and then mixes and edits with music and effects. I love how much effort sh puts in each video. The hair, the makeup, the music.. She rocks!!

I haven't really seen the other YouChoob phenomena. But guess I'l bump into them soon enough and rave about them too.

YouTube was Time magazine's invention of the year 2006. And very rightly so. It is the ultimate platform of expression and it can't get any better than this. Everybody who's anybody can be here, be known, be heard and be seen. Information is no longer a luxury. It is right there. This is true democracy.

I just hope I catch on to it soon enough before I am labelled YouTubesolete.

breaking in...

so it had to happen some day.. they edited my article for the very first time. But they didn't have to be so brutal. They could've been gentler. But it doesn't matter now. Of course this one was nothing to talk home about anyway. Guess I'm better off writing what I feel strongly about. But sometimes I feel so strongly about something that I'm never satisfied with the words that flow and end up not writing anything at all. That ain't any good either.

No more of petty opinions from me anymore. I'l turn columnist :) :) that's right.. let's see how that goes..

tchao

article for indore plus.. Sania Mirza.. can't they come up with anything else???

Tennis is famous for major upsets every single time. It is ubiquitous that an unseeded, unknown player would storm his/her way through an international tournament and leave everyone gaping. And it is equally common that every champion struggles to keep his title for long and has to give in to young blood equally fast. What happened to Maria Sharapova against Ana Ivanovic at the French Open recently is proof enough.In this game of underdogs, it is very important to be at the right place at the right time. Everyone cannot be FEDEX. Some players, although very talented never really make it just because they aren’t lucky enough. Has luck not favoured Sania Mirza? One can’t really say. There has been no dearth of resources. Yes, she does not have an athletic body that is essential for a tennis player. Experts say that’s a major drawback. But over the years she has proved to be a sturdy player. Her rapid rise through the World rankings awed India since never had a girl achieved this feat. I remember reading an interview where Mahesh Bhupathi was with a 16 year old Sania. He said, "Watch out for her. She is going to be in the World top 50 soon." And it turned out to be so true. But alas, she could never manage to go any further. Some have already written her off, saying that her prime is past. But leaving all this aside, is Sania really ignoring her game because of her endorsements? I don't think so. She has been one of the most consistent players the game has seen and her dedication is more than obvious. Had she really been interested in cashing in on her brand value, she would've probably ended making more money than Anna Kournikova. Who knows, she would've easily starred in a movie too!!What is wrong in endorsements anyway? As Sania was rising in rank with every match she played, it was the media that created so much hype around her. It is not her fault that India is expecting so much from her and any criticism her way in is totally unacceptable.All we can hope for is that this underdog one day causes many upsets and creates history

Watched CHEENI KUM the other day with family. I had a splendid time. We totally identified with the sense of humour in the film. Very much like what you might see in my house. Snapping at each other, calling each other innovative names.. quite on the lines of Ghaas Poos and Tangdi Kebab. Ofcourse I don't have a Colgate in my family. "HyderAyBAydi ZYayfrAyni PulAyv" has been immortalized.

The movie is just right. Just like the title. The undercurrent is positive, energizing, fresh, unexpected. With every single dialogue of each character you wonder where the movie's gonna take you. And every actor has truly lived the part. From the little girl, to the veterans, everyone is perfect. that's the word..

The classic sense of humour of every character is remarkable. Love the way Zohra Sehgal and Big B keep snapping at each other. Love the way Paresh Rawal advises Tabu not to turn vegetarian, ever. I could almost see people I know say those very same things.

At the same time, there's so much to learn from that li'l girl.. Loved the Sad Sad Happy Sad part. Next time I'm sad, I hope I remember this and have an icecream. And yeah, the most important lesson "CARPE DIEM, Baby!!" Live the moment.. Sieze the day.. Had a few glimpses of Robin William's Dead Poet's Society there...

So people, "COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS" and enjoy the movie. Kudos to the makers!!

Really looking forward to hum dono in colour. love the songs.. my favourite.. abhi na jao.... soft, mellow, flirtatious, at the same time, innocent. the longing in every word flows out in more ways than one. ke dil abhi bhara nahi.. you have to be in love to know what it's like..

the music.. the lyrics.. yahi kahoge tum sada ke dil abhi nahi bhara.. it's out of this world..

quite obvious how much i love this song..

next in line is ofcourse.. main fikr ko dhooen min udaata chala gaya.. n my fav line has to be..

Barbadiyon Ka Shok Manana Fizul Tha..

Barbadiyon Ka Jashan Manata Chala Gaya...

i live by this philosophy, atleast try to..

WHY ME!!!

so this kid in the neighbourhood.. must be a yr old i guess... cant really determine their age.. can walk, cant talk.. so ur estimate wud be the best guess.. would love to hang out with my grandma.. MY grandma.. but very selective about who he wud smile at. also, whenever i would come in front of him he would skew his face and wince and frown and knit his eyebrows all at once. he would give me the "WHY ME??!!" look, as if trying to ask, "What have I done to deserve this??" and if i stick around in my own porch for a minute longer, he would want to go back and wail for his mom. so whenver His Highness is playing with leaves and flowers plucked from MY garden in MY porch with MY grandma, the area is off limits for me.

and then one fine day, he didn't frown. Then the other, the eyebrows remained in place. And the other, no more wincing. He had begun to atleast tolerate me within a five-metre radius. Not bad, said I. Gradually, i started getting my share of rare and highly-coveted-for smiles and I-Spies. He even readily hopped on my bike for a ride, ofcourse, free of cost.

So then things started getting chirpier, I must say. But this wasn't for long. His family was moving to Pune or some place. And that was it. But the moral of the story is that initially one might detest me. But I guess I grow on people. that reminds of a PGWeology : If he grows on me, Il have him amputated.. but I guess I'm not that bad..

my article on the generation gap - for Indore Plus

The “generation gap” is such a hackneyed phrase and so much has been talked and written about it, that sometimes it loses significance and its meaning in entirety is seldom understood. This phenomenon is not only universal, but also is eternal in the truest sense. It has probably been prevalent since time immemorial. Who knows, Adam must’ve looked at Cain and Abel in disbelief, turned to Eve, shrugged and said, “Generation Gap”.

The difference between the attitude, ideology, actions, decisions and way of thinking of two consecutive generations is summed up in these two words. But the question that everyone seems to raise is why does this difference arise? One theory could be that it is one of the consequences of evolution. Surprised? Well, don’t be. Human evolution has transcended mere physical characteristics and living habits into the mind too. Every coming generation is inherently smarter. Soaring IQ levels of 155-160 of Class 5 children today are proof enough. This is the result of the all-so-important requirement to be more and more intelligent to in turn, be more successful. So what has intelligence got to do with conflict in notion with the older generation? A lot, truly. With intelligence, comes the confidence to think on one’s own, listen to oneself and make one’s own decisions. And the more intelligent one is, the sooner one needs to think independently. This is where the catch lies. The older generation is not ready to let go so soon.

Every coming generation is more practical, more experimenting in career, academics and general interests, and more individualistic in more ways than one. And this has been happening all this while. Generation gap is inevitable. The older generation is always in conflict with the younger generation because they can’t come to terms with their attitude towards life, family, their career, etc. They feel that their children or grandchildren are too irresponsible and hence, have this strong urge to educate them before it’s too late. They always feel that it is better that their children learn from their mistakes rather than learning from their own. And very rightly so.

So now that one realizes that the G-word is there to stay, what does one do about it? It all boils down to how one handles it. The younger generation will always want to listen to their heart and act according to their instincts. But listening to your elders and paying heed to them always helps, because believe it or not, they’ve been there and done that, only in a different way. If we today think tattooing and body piercing is cool, even they’ve roamed around on streets with long hair and bell-bottoms chanting “Give Peace a Chance” and “Staying Alive”. What our elders can give is experience, and it will never work against us. At the same time, the elder generation should try to come out of their prejudices and try to be more open to new thoughts and ideas. Possessing a bias towards anything unknown doesn’t always prove to be right. Innovation and lateral thinking has always outshined stereotype. History has proved that out-of-the-box thinking is always dismissed as heresy, rebellion or revolt initially. When parents respect their children’s opinions, listen to what they have to say and discuss with them in a mature manner, even the children feel important and in turn, respect what the parents advise them to do. If a child is rebuked all the time, he grows up to be an immature, defensive and stubborn individual, which widens the gap between the two.

The generation gap has not widened. It never will, but it will always appear in different ways. What is essential is the way in which it is moderated. Rebellion ought to have purpose. One without it is mere obstinacy. If this vital delicate balance can be maintained, one can certainly look forward to a mature and responsible youth and a tolerant older generation.

god bless them.. im back on a 40 hr week.. finally breathing. not that the 60 hr week was killing me, but throwing tantrums is inevitable.in fact, cribbing and grumbling tends to give one a wierd kind of satidfaction. many would agree. there is a sense of pride that comes with every woe one has. and lamenting on it just makes other individuals jealous. is this really so? does being a crib master really make one happy? ironical as it may sound, many are at it, and how. but it all surely boils down to the fact that if one pretends to be troubled, sooner or later, he starts living that lie and that "woe" actually starts to bother him. even then people take pride in living their lies and adding to their share of non-blessings...

so the evil eye's set on me after all.. since i had been making everyone jealous about my forty hour week, im now working 10 hours a day, 6 days a week.. even for lunch i'm running.. the labour laws disapprove, but who cares. Basic humanity principles say 'No' but who's listening.

I wrote to my boss, yes. Not because i'm an altruist, but just coz i have nothing to lose. he was prompt, thats true, but even more convincing than me :) stil, there's light at the end of the tunnel. he might just melt. he miht just cut it short.

that sets me thinking.. Do people do good just for the sake of doing good.. or is there a possibility of a certain individual gain at some level? some do it so that they keep their slates clean. some do it out of sheer necessity, coz they are the worse hit, coz they have no choice.

once phoebe and joey disagreed on this. joey said, "there's no such thing as a selfless deed." phoebe thought otherwise. to prove it, she made a bee sting her. joey said, "you had an aim behind that, also, after stinging u, the bee died.. " then joey was on this tv show taking calls for donations. phoebe calls up, joey takes the call, and she donates whatever she had in her account.. "see thats a selfless deed". That donation turns out to be the biggest that evening, and joey, in turn gets to be on tv! so ultimately, phoebe's "selfless deed" gets her friend to be on tv.. there u go.. and thats where this saying comes from.. "what goes around comes around" call it karma, or call it an undying desire to steer clear of the all pervasive fear of the unknown.. and the biggest killer of all.. guilt.

what i loved most about "ZINDA" starring Sanjay Dutt and John Abraham was the grit the man shows even after so much being done to him. A newly married man who is doing well in life, has so many things planned, so many dreams in store is out of nowhere shot at, and wakes up to find himself in a cell. There's no one to exlain to him what he has done to deserve that, no one to tel him, why he's there, and for how long. Despair surrounds him. he is not allowed to ask questions, he is not allowed to live. he is not even allowed to die. fourteen years...

anyone could get crushed. anyone could give up, go insane, lose it all, give in.

it is the instinct of every being to live more than anything else that keeps one going. its there. its in all of us.

we just need to discover it.

so the next time when you are really low and ask yourself, "WHY ME??!!" think again. think of Bali. For fourteen years he must have asked this very question. To himself, to God. He must have wanted to scream himself to death. He would've wanted to wild.. wild with that pricking, curbing, ovrewhelming, encompassing feeling... how long.. he must be just waiting to die. just waiting. and yet he lived on.

a part of me tells me that curiosity also plays a very important role here. to see what happens next. because Hope never dies. Bali never loses hope. Hope of change. Any change. Change in the lunch, change in the time when they fumigate his room with Valium so that he's unconcious when they come to shave him, or even a change in his hairstyle..

this hope makes him stronger. this very hope makes all of us stronger. it always will...

a sunday morning.. guess the last day of my extended vacation that was partly due to illness, and partly due to utter boredom. starting tomorrow i got to wake up at 5:45 everyday, go for french class, and yes, go to work too.

but i'm surprisingly looking forward to it, maybe coz the last week was totally unproductive.

so all's well that ends well..

tchao for now

obsession

u cant get it out of your head
u cant help missing it
u want it u need it
but truely u dont
its just a way of taking your mind off something else
something more bitter, something much worse
when does this obsession end?
guess when its yours
then u detest it to the point of hating yourself
for loving it so much
for wanting it so desperately
for needing it when u didnt
for being what you r not

so i finally start off.. pathetically late though.

setting higher standards for myself has always led to disappointment. yet i dont stop. it is what drives me. but it is what just mite break me one day. is being content with what one gets the rite way to go about things? or is the uncomfort of eternal dissatisfaction a healthier option?