Step Up!

Life is so ephemeral. Yet we waste hours of the day planning, scheming, holding back and shying away. We put things off for some other day. We postpone calling the long lost friend. We ignore the small voice that asks us to say sorry to the people we've wronged. We cross people around us only to regret it when it's too late - too late to mend things, only to live with the guilt forever. We don't go that extra mile to tell our family how much we love them and care for them only to end up alone one day.

We take up the important business opportunity and leave our parents only to come back only when they're not in good shape. We laze around in calling people up, in mailing them a simple "Hi! How are you?". We don't mind losing touch with people who don't matter anymore but will, some day. We leave loose threads while we spin the webs of our lives and we end up with broken stories.

So finish your stories today. Make that call. Write to your friend. Say sorry. Go the extra mile. Go home and spend time with family. Coz Time doesn't wait for you to finish your stories. Make sure that if you don't have to loom around thanks to some unfinished business.

"Ever Thine, Ever Mine, Ever Ours..."

Beethoven wrote this for his love in a letter some centuries ago. The word 'ever' is used so liberally and confidently by these people. A 'Happily ever after' and 'forever and ever' are words we seldom use. Or at least quite scared of. We are more of the ephemeral sorts. We like to keep things for now. For today. We don't plan ahead. Our minds are fickle. We don't know what we'd want two years from now and hence, we expect the same from others around us. Since we are so unsure of ourselves, we tend to be unsure of others. Words like 'till death do us apart' are now nice in chick flicks where the girl always gets her dream guy and her perfect dream wedding in her perfect wedding dress. The end of the movie makes you believe that she's gonna have the perfect marriage and the perfect kids with the perfect life. Just because she looked gorgeous on her wedding day. But the cynic in me now knows that a 'happily ever after' isn't for everyone. I mean, I don't want to negate any possibility. Some part of me still wants that fairy tale to realize. But just so if it doesn't, I want to take the safe shelter of being a 'grown up' and never having to be ashamed of living in my dreams.

The ads, sitcoms, videos and movies propagate the concept of 'there's no tomorrow'. Whether it's Barney in HIMYIM or the people on Emotional Atyachaar or even the protagonists of a Fast Track ad, everyone believes in instant gratification. And then I saw Veer Zaara yet again - a movie oozing with selfless love - overflowing with romance in every scene, that left me bewildered and conflicted in more ways than one.

So where are we headed? Can true love exist in the age of instant coffee and instant protection? Or is it just something we like to read about and watch? Does a couple always have to break up the moment one moves out of town? Or can love transcend boundaries, communities and more? Can love stand up for itself or do we ignore it just because it's too cumbersome? In all these questions we all want to ask ourselves - are we strong enough to love, and be loved? Not the convenient kind, but the one that demands more - much more.

In the meanwhile we can enjoy Barney's escapades, Samantha's whims and be smug in the misery (or is it?) of people who put their loved ones to the loyalty test because they don't trust them and then wail and whine the moment the 'suspect' gets cozy with a complete stranger in this sex,attention and drama starved nation.

Let's play Doctor

A friend (for more on him, refer his blog) pointed out that if you listen to me yap for an hour, you will hear at least one reference to medical science. That's when the glass broke. I realised it's true. But I really can't help it. I have grown up hearing passively conversations revolving around Medicine. My Pathologist father would discuss all sorts of tissues with my mom - carcinomas, malignancy, benign, CA - these were terms that we are used to and are quite indifferent to at home. My Anesthetist mother would tell him in return about her surgeries all day - hypertensive patient, obese, difficult to intubate. So, every evening we have had our dose of medicine. We are even used to my father explaining to the physician on the phone as they discuss a patient, the consistency of the tissue - he always compares it to food - curd like consistency, ghee like appearance, mango colour. We never found it gross although we complain about it endlessly. We are at home with this jargon.

As a kid, I would sit in my dad's chair in his lab and see myself there 20 years down the line. In my heart of hearts, I guess I wanted to be Dr. Apoorva Raje. The perks of belonging to a doctor family were taken for granted by us. Whenever we would fall sick, we would get VIP treatment. Of course the downside for having a Pathologist at home is that he takes your blood sample every single time you have fever. But some part of me always liked all the paraphernalia. Especially the little blue gadget that pricks the tip of your finger to test your sugar. My dad's briefcase is one of the most sacred things at home. It has a special place in the house. It is what we carry as we see him off every morning and run to collect as we hear his car park at the gate every evening. It has always had the same arrangement of all basic instruments.. a box for slides, cuvettes, syringes neatly lined up, flaps for cheques, a diary, two pens and a pencil. But my favourite item in this cornucopia is the spirit swab. I still steal a bit to remove my nail enamel even though it makes my nails brittle and is less effective than my nail paint remover.

Whether it was circumstances, or practical choices or objective ruling out, but I ended up being an Engineer, and now an MBA. Not that I have any regrets, but I guess the kid still wants to have some association with Medicine. I guess that's why I gloat with my half-ass understanding of medical terms, the 'Compounder' in me always has some advice to give my friends when they fall sick, I always have a ready supply of basic medicines with me whether I'm travelling or not and yes, anything related remotely to the profession engrosses me.

So the next time I rant out that I'm "Hypoglycemic", it just means I'm hungry, or if I call someone "alopecic" it means that that someone is bald. Kindly ignore. I'm not trying to show off, I'm just talking like they talk at home :)

Dreaded Feb

It started off with a small spark somewhere. They must've just thought of it as a brand new line extension. It worked for them. But it also led to increased suicide rates at this time of the year. A decade ago, no one knew about the dire necessity to go to a shop flooding with trinkets, teddy bears, giant tigers, cute pandas stuffed scarily, cards for every occasion from constipation to diarrhea, and buying some useless 'item' worth 10 bucks for 80 and doling it out for someone special as they call it, with more sap drooling from the corners of their mouths. But now it's quite ubiquitous. Rather, it's more like a ritual. Now it's tradition. It's as historical as Christmas.

Well, historical it certainly is. When I was a teenager and this fad was just kicking in, an elite group of the erudite were bestowing us with their presence at home for dinner. They laughed about it and told us the real story of St. Valentine. (I'm not gonna tell you, research on your own - Wiki/Google). It had nothing to do with what it has been made to mean today by the gift shops and the greeting card companies. But little did they know, that the bug was for the masses. The bug to feel wanted, to feel special, to feel worth spending money for.

So now that almost everyone except the fanatics and the extremists have warmed up to the idea, it is high time we acknowledge it whether we like it or not. It's not just cynics who happen to be single at this fateful time of the year criticize the concept. Even when one is in a relationship, it's more of an obligation to 'show' your LOWE. Some times, you may even think that it's just another day and not do anything at all just so you are the cooler lot and above the 'lame' crowd. Face it, you just wanna save money :).

The tumour's getting bigger though and pressing on the optic nerve. It has stretched to a week now, with Rose Day and Propose Day and Sneeze Day and what not. I mean, get a life people. Only because you get spam from a multi-million dollar greeting/gift churning company compelling you to do something on that 'day' else all hell breaks loose on you, you don't have to comply.

It's a good industry though. Flowers, roses to be precise, sold at double the usual price, cards, teddy bears, goldfish, pets, diamond jewellry, watches, movie tickets, dinners at restaurants, parties and bashes, hotels and B&Bs, resorts, spas.. are all milking out of this one notion. The notion of being with someone.

What's on YOUR mind????

These social networking sites always ask you what's on your mind. They want you to tell the world how you're feeling at all times. Better still, they want to add that spice in your friends' lives - whenever they log in, they get to know, who's being dumped, who's chasing who, who is elated at some mundane event in his life that doesn't matter to the rest of the world, but now, it suddenly makes all the difference.

We all use those spaces to speak our mind. Observing and participating myself in these trivialities, i have drawn a few mental patterns about this queer activity. Let's see if I can map all the categories successfully:-

1. The Currents: They post links to their favourite game that happened recently, or some speech delivered by some controversial public figure. They like to keep themselves updated and want to enlighten everyone around them. Fake Alert: Watch out for the show offs who merely wanna let everyone know what they've been reading and how vigilant they are.

2. The Weepers: They are always whining about their lives. They won't tell their best friend what's eating them but they are okay with letting the whole world know how deep they are. My full sympathies go out to these 'piners'. Nothing wrong with being honest about what's on your mind, as long as it doesn't trouble people who look out for you. Keep them in the loop. Otherwise, you are actually providing the rest of the people who don't care and who don't matter with something to look forward to and laugh about every single day. So keep going. If you collate all your status messages you could create a best-selling journal or even, a hit movie that belongs to parallel cinema.

3. The Warm-Fussies: These are the lucky few who live in Mush Land. They don't care about what their image would be in their acquaintance circle. They pour out all their sap online. They think that the only person reading their updates is their ONE. But sadly, the whole world is exposed to the turns your love life is taking. And I speak for all of them when I say - Spare us the sugar, honey!

4. The Salesmen: This is essentially a male trait. They will give their current location and phone number along with their social security number, their address. They expect that the whole world should know their whereabouts just like we know Obama's. "Boston, this is The White House. The Eagle has landed. I repeat. The Eagle has landed." Dude! No one is going to call you. Give it up. Take your phone number off your status.

5. The Pseudo-Gloats: Their status messages always involve a piece of trivium that is totally irrelevant but is always true. It is twisted in such a way that it sounds as if the gloat is merely stating a fact, but is a self-praise in disguise. It creates an awe in the readers' minds about the gloat. But sadly, the awe is ephemeral. It's more like 'shucks and awwwwwwwwww'.

6. The Quoters: They are the most jobless people in the world. I know of people who actually spend half an hour every week digging out funny, profound or just plain weird quotes from books and the internet to post them on their profiles. They obviously expect their friends to comment on these unoriginal and banal notions. I am completely okay with the quotes, people, but the constant persuasion to comment on these impersonal messages is further adding to the under-productivity and inefficiency in this world. If you revel in your joblessness, you shouldn't need company out there now, shouldn't you?!

7. The Cubby-Holers: They are under this misconception that all their acquaintances know their current friend circle inside out. Their status messages include recent developments in their and their friends' lives without any reference to context mentioned alongside. Sometimes, this may lead to very strange inferences and yes, a stain on your reputation. So beware!

8. The Altos: They will always harp on the song they are listening to or the current favourite. Some post their entire playlists. Others merely pick up on a cool rock number and show off with it. The song usually means something - I guess, their current state of mind. But who cares. All this does is gets that particular song on the readers' minds too. If they don't like it, a choice of abuses is slewn at you via the telepathy route. Even if they like it, you don't earn any brownie points, they will still think you are showing off.

9. The Spectators: They are a few who merely watch the other eight prance about every day with a new state of mind. It's fun to do so. It's like a daily soap everyone is hooked on. So bring on the masala! No one seems to mind.

I am not saying anything is right or wrong. I am not even stereotyping anything or anybody. I am sure you have tried to find your best fit in the above few slots. I am also sure you are being judgmental about how judgmental I am :). My friends know I am the last one to be judgmental. Trust me, these are honest observations based on the many many friends I am blessed with. I am also quite confident that many will find more than one match for themselves. I certainly believe that when blogs came into existence, half the web was highly skeptical about them - about the power of expression a blog gives - about the freedom of thought and how it could affect the masses - about opinions - millions of them, being read, rebuked and appreciated. How about this now - whether it is Twitter, Gtalk, Facebook or Orkut, I can post my thoughts, my views, my opinions by the minute. A blog is still a well contemplated journal, but random thoughts are more potent, more personal, more impulsive. What do you do about these fast flying emotions that reach out to everyone around like plague?

Lalit Chacha

He used to come to our house at 11 30 in the night after my parents would've slept off. He would throw stones on the metal name plate outside to wake them up. These days he calls at 7 in the evening and lands at around 10. This is a huge improvement.

He is one of my father's best friends from medical school. He was his junior. But now he is family. And he's always been Chacha for me.

He has come a long way. As a young boy, he used to sell newspapers. One day, he was teeming with a happy secret and was bubbling to share it with someone. He told one man as he sold him a paper, "Iss mein mera naam hai.." The man shirked him off. That day, the paper contained the PMT results. He had made it.

In medical college, he was in NCC with my dad. They went on this trip to Amarkantak which was headed by my dad. At one station, my dad asked him to pack breakfast for the whole group. Lalit Chacha gladly got off on the station. There was no sight of him for a good twenty minutes. The train started to leave the station. One of the cadets went to another coach and pulled the chain. After 10 more minutes, they saw Chacha bringing in one large fruit basket full of Aloo Puri. He got an earful from my dad, but also added to his long list of interesting stories to tell.

He decided to take his bicycle out for a ride. For a long ride. So he set off. He set out for an All India trip. He travelled from city to city. He used to go to every police station and get them to sign his little book. He used to eat once daily - at night. And he used to drink milk.

He got into government service. He was posted at Omkareshwar. For the uninitiated, Omkareshwar is at the banks of a winding Narmada. A beautiful temple, a dainty bridge and the placid, meandering Narmada. Lalit Chacha used to go on frequent swims into the river. One fine day, he got inside and thought to himself, "How long can one stay in water" So he decided to check. he kept swimming. People started noticing. Some acquaintances were concerned. They said, "Daaksaab, ab bahut ho gaya.. chaliye" Lalit Chacha asked them to go fly a kite. After a while, a reporter from somewhere came along on a boat and asked him, "Aap jo yeh kar rahein hain, aap kis maksad se kar rahein hain.. aap kya message dena chahenge bharat ke naujawano ko?" Chacha asked him to row a boat. Figuratively. After a while, Chacha heard some band playing on the banks. Someone came to him again and said, "Daaksaab, ab chaliye, 12 ghante ho gayein hain.. yeh band aap ke liye baj raha hai" He was dragged out. They didn't let him wear his clothes. They carried out a procession to his house, playing "Yeh desh hai veer jawano ka" on the way. For months later on, his skin peeled off like that of a boiled potato.

Today, he is one of the Padma Shree hopefuls in the country. He pioneered Family Planning Operations in villages all over Madhya Pradesh. He conducts camps in one village or the other almost every day. He gets some sleep in his rickety jeep on the way. He reaches the camp where some 500 people are already in queue, waiting for "Doorbeen Wale Baba". That's the rural name for a Laparoscope, with which he carries out his surgeries in less than a minute each. These surgeries are performed usually in community halls with makeshift OTs. Painless, foolproof surgeries that end only with a convenient band-aid. It's a revolutionary concept. It's a mundane area that he has turned around into a strong tool for woman empowerment, familly welfare and overall economic development.

He is used to the numerous felicitations. But he is as grounded as he was thirty years ago. He is humble, simple and lovable. He is a confused father to two lovely girls. He seeks my father's help in understanding them. My dad uses his experience with me to advise him. I don't think it helps much. He is one of those people in my life, who I will always look up to. If today I am proud to be a frank, straight forward person who can easily demarcate right from wrong, it is due to Chacha's presence in my life. So here's to you Lalit Chacha, Cheers!!

I am an Idiot :)

I didn’t know anything about the movie. I hadn’t seen any trailers. I hadn’t even heard the music. And thank heavens for that. Because I guess I wouldn’t have been as moved as I was when I watched the movie.

In my previous blogs, I have mentioned how much I detest the Education System of India. Some of my career plans surround this very notion. I am just more than glad that someone thought of bringing this up and that too, so powerfully. Yet, they didn’t make it offensive. They didn’t blame anyone.

The movie begins with an innocuous Madhavan in the seat of a flight about to take off. You think to yourself that he will be the bystander in the movie. Till you see him stop the plane by faking a medical emergency. For those who haven’t watched the movie, this is the last bit I am divulging. There won’t be any more spoilers.

The movie shows how things are. You are smug when you see all the intricacies of typical college life. The ragging sessions, the daaru sessions on the remote Tanki, the nerds who are always royally jacked, the dreamers who sit at the balcony strumming their guitar and the profs who carry the names bestowed upon them by the students and attempt to get every quirky student in line.

The movie carries with it an energy that is so contagious, you don’t stop smiling. You are on a roller coaster ride, shocked one moment, in splits the next, crying the other and laughing again at the hopelessness of it all. The guys are awesome. I saw myself in the movie at so many points. I saw my friends in many scenes. I saw my parents, my siblings, my teachers, and even Millimetre reminded me of the Chhotus that have in some way touched my life as a student.

The climax makes you wonder whether they’ve gone overboard. But it all fits in the end.

Amir is adorable as a 19 year old. The way he walks, the way he scratches his head, the way he says to himself, “Aal eez well” and the innocent yet intelligent sparkle in his eyes passes him off as a teenager in Engineer college brilliantly.

I am watching the movie again. J J

PS: Am posting this after I saw the movie again last night. You can see only a glimpse here and there of Five Point Someone. So I'd like to ask Mr. Bhagat to step back and not try to milk any attention out of the accolades the movie is receiving. The script doesn't belong to him. Neither does the limelight.

JUNE BUG

So as promised.. here's my take on Juno.

A friend made me watch it while I was at Bombay. He had already seen it but he didn't mid watching it again with me. That itself raised my expectations because this guy is very finicky about movies. Anyway, so we go to Marine Drive and buy tickets that could've bought us amazing lunch and jeer at the shallow yuppies driving in with 'panache' as they call it - the beach blonde overdressed-for-a-matinée socialite waiting for her guy to get out of the car and open the door for her. Then we kill some more time on the heavily shot, screened, referred to and cliched marine drive curb in the Bombay afternoon sun. Soon it is time for the movie and we walk in.

I am smug as soon as the titles begin with that song. I know I'm in for a quirky ride. Every dialogue - so matter of fact, so in your face, doubled up with another one soon after, doesn't give you much time to crack up. You are overwhelmed by how OK people are with their 'situations'. And yes, one should be that way.

Ellen Page is Coolness Personified. And I bet that if she reads this she'd say "How lame.. Jeez Poo.. " or something on those lines. I am deliberately skipping the not-so-appropriate parts of her reaction. But I'm sure you can fill the blanks.

"This is one doodle you cannot undo"

"This pink plus sign is so unholy"

"All that's missing is your bas***d"

There are the really deep ones too, but I don't wanna list them out and kill it.

The movie drifts through autumn and winter and spring. But the red and golden athletes keep running. As for those, Juno's vivid description of 'that' can screw any mind over.

The best part about the film is that none of the emotions are out there in the open, but you still get a whiff of them. No one gets cheesy. But everyone gets taken care of. The step mom stitches the special pants for Juno and hits back at the sonogram technician so hard, Juno has to say, "Jeez Brenda! Get a d***!"

And still the movie doesn't miss out on the pain, the longing and the love. Motherhood is taken seriously. And so is a teenager.

The songs are another plus. All of them are cool in their own weird way. Some of the lyrics are downright absurd, the others, just plain gross. But they blend in the movie's undercurrent so well, that you can't think of any other number that could replace them.

In the song "Anyone else but you", one of the lines go "You shook a li'l turd off the bottom of your pants"!! Yes, this is movie is not for the beach blonde who couldn't get out of her own car. It's for you and me. Watch it. Laugh. Get Disgusted. Cry. Cringe. I don't care. But if you are still un-juno-ed, you're missing something.

Joker in the Pack

I read this book a year ago. It starts with the line - "Shekhar Verma has finally arrived." I now know what that means.

As per my last blog, the last week was going to determine my next five years. Hell yeah!! it did. I'm there.

I still don't want to sound high flown. I still don't know half of what's in store for me. Yet, I am smug.

The future blogs will definitely be about more generic issues. It's been long since I talked sense here.

Sneak Peak: A take on one of my frequently watched films - JUNO

Random Thoughts in Bed

It's been really long since I wrote about something impersonal. The last few entries have been quite complacently about myself. And I'm afraid the blog is gradually turning into a quirky journal of sorts. But what the heck, the idea was to speak my mind. And if of late, all that's on my mind is not Hugo Chavez or Fidel Castro or Sarkozy or Ho Chi Minn, then be it. I have been so preoccupied with my life for a change, that I haven't really bothered about people who feature in my life only through Business Line or Google News or Economic Times.

I would like to go on talking about myself, but I'm wondering what. I signed in today because I didn't have anything to write about. Coz, I'm frankly quite confused. It's a funny phase. I am at a point in life that could determine the next five years. The choices I make in the next week could make up what I become within 5 years - 5 years! That's a long time. And who knows what these 5 years have in store for me. I am also at a place where I am discovering myself. I'm finally figuring out what I want from life by ticking off what I am sure I don't want. Till now, I was looking towards family and friends to guide me through these 'tough' decisions. Now, I think I'll do just fine by listening to my heart.

I can take a stand now. A stand to be on my own. I had been looking for someone to look up to. Someone I could depend on. Someone who had the upper hand. But fortunately, spine is hard to find. So I walk alone. And quite a walk it shall be.

I can now revel in the spotlight. My eyes don't cringe anymore. Two hoots!

I can stare them in the eye. Because I am not in the wrong. They are. I have the courage. They don't. I am made of stronger stuff. They may have luck and a good disguise on their side, but I have truth and integrity on mine.

People could swindle me. They could take me for a ride. People can take advantage of me. And yet, I forgive and forget. Some might call me foolish. I happen to think likewise. But I can't change that. I will not. That's what makes me what I am.

I can speak my mind. And I always will. I may regret it. But I am born to do that. Have always, will always.

I can take chances. I can be adventurous. I can stop thinking. I can do much more. And I love it!

A dash of Gold Dust and voila!

Yes, I have a Fairy Godmother. I totally believe it now. I get my wishes granted. But they’re never served to me on a platter. I get what I want alright, but only in a skewed way. And she surprises me in ways I couldn’t even imagine. She’s just out there smiling wryly at me all this while – while I fret and crib and cry and have fun. She gives that knowing smile that says – “Girl, you don’t even know what’s in store for you next!” She tests me and teases me. She brings me to such crossroads just to see which turn I’d take. Just for the heck of it.

Just when I thought that there was no hope, an unexpected turn of events comes my way. And it’s all of her doing. I’m pretty sure.

So thanks to my wicked FG, I still stick by my thumb rule in life – Carpe Diem! Live the moment and enjoy the surprise around every corner. Listen to your heart and keep a healthy mind, and have absolutely no regrets. Life is to live it out and not to think about what could’ve should’ve would've happened. If you’re so curious, try it out so that you don’t have to bank on your imagination.

I'm pretty sure each one of us has their very own FG too. They're looking out alright. They laugh at us when we crib and get bored when we're high. They like to put us through ordeals, it's like a soap for them. And I'm pretty sure they conspire along with each other so that we, over here get messed up when we meet. We say things and think some more. They make us feel and expect and dream. And that's how they get a kick out of it. It's awesome!! It's a network they're rewiring all the time with our minds and hearts and we have no choice but to play along.. Uncanny!

Torn

I’m torn – between being tight lipped and outspoken, between being expressive or guarded, between being calm and composed and hysterical. I wish there were a special school for Social Protocol. I really need it. I may be blessed with superficial talent, but when it comes to being a simply, happy girl who wants a cozy life, the looking glass shatters.

People I know see me as a confident, intimidating person at first. When I warm up to them, they see a fun person who has a good sense of humour and not many worries in life. When I grow closer to a further few, they see a person who has her problems, who is always there for them. But at times, they also see a person who over reacts about ‘little’ things, who is inconsiderate of others’ feelings, who is selfish, conceited and complacent. They see pride. They see a superiority complex.

I am a simple person. I take things at face value. And yes, I feel. I feel a lot for everyone around me. I am proud of this, because I know not many people genuinely feel for others. I do not manipulate. Rather, I can’t manipulate. I can’t think things through. I often forget things that people say to me or I say to people. I forget if some random person was nasty to me or made a snide remark. It’s highly possible that I go back totally oblivious of what he thinks of me and talk to him in a very jovial manner after a month or two and take him totally by surprise. I joke around a lot; at times, a little too much.

I try to be quiet. I try to be composed and not always be the wisecrack. It may be appreciated by a few people but not by a few others. So for the people who I have hurt unknowingly, I am sorry. I truly am.

I don’t judge people. I really don’t. But after a while, I know that a person is a certain way and if I think I cannot match up to that frequency, I tend to take a step back.

I am a twisted person trying really hard to become sorted out. I want someone to love me. I want a family, a home and true friends. I thank God everyday for being blessed with the family I have and with the true friends that I’ve had over the years. Success for me is to be a good person who is loved by most people. Not someone who is looked up to by people. I don’t want respect for my ability, but respect for the person I am.

I consciously work towards improving myself – towards perfection – as I see it. Perfection for me is not being able to do ten things at a time, but being able to not hurt anyone around, ever – being a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend and a loyal companion.

All I ask for is truth in return. It hurts when people around me twist things up, when they say something and mean something else, when they remember me only when they need one of my ‘talents’, when they play games. Not because I think it’s wrong, but because I can’t play along.

I have fallen - Fallen for good. I would like to rise out of the ashes. But I will need time. And during this time – I can only hope – hope for not being misunderstood, misinterpreted, ignored and used.

The worst first kiss

DISCLAIMER: All observations and inferences made in the column below are purely based on secondary research – friends, friends of friends, articles in various print media and the internet. None of the opinions are in any manner sprouting from first hand experience. Please do not judge the author based on the views that follow.

So how bad can it get? Well, a lot can go wrong. The run up to a first kiss is always the highlight of a relationship. The ‘drum roll’ as one of Ted’s weird girlfriends puts it in HIMYIM is so much better than the actual kiss. When you kiss, you make it real – then it is two people in the moment. Up to this time, its in your head – so much left to the imagination. You can think beyond any limits about how it would be. But once you are lip to lip – you hit ground zero. Then you get to the ground reality of technicalities – technicalities I’m trying to pen down, that are not coming out tastefully.

The first and foremost disaster that can occur with a first kiss is if one partner’s foot doesn’t pop. ‘Foot popping’ for the uninitiated is a term used by Anne Hathaway in Princess Diaries (yes, this IS gonna be influenced a LOT by chick flicks.. bear with me). When you kiss someone, you know it’s right if your foot pops (read – when you feel weak in the knees or ur tummy turns or some circuit goes short – if you know what I mean). But what if it doesn’t work this way for the guy or the girl? You’ll be lucky if both of you are in the same place. But if only one foot pops, the same foot turns into a kick in the you-know-what.

We’re past Stage I now and it has been established that both parties want to go ahead with this fateful kiss. Now what? Well, don’t let go of your guard just as yet. Tread very cautiously. The following events can turn a ‘moment’ into a mishap:-

1. A cut lip – you thought you’d show how eager you are and well, you taste something funny. It’s your ‘LOWE’s precious blood that you’ve managed to consume – vampire style. The other party is now wary of you and is now wondering if it’s a full moon night.

2. Too much tongue – It’s not just guys who end up doing it. It could be a girl too. And, trust me. Gross is the word.

3. The suckers – In true mosquito tradition, if one party is focussed on turning a kiss into a dehydration process for the other party, well, then Help You God!!

4. A Right Angle – You’re closing in on your target and your noses bump in a head – on, sorry, nosy collision. This doesn’t mean that you guys have big noses. It just means that you have a poor sense of space or are heavily hyper-metropic. To combat this obstacle, hold your beau’s head in your hands, you buffoon!

5. Hair – A guy always likes a girl with long hair. But not if it comes in his mouth. Kisses with flowing manes all over the place look good only on the silver screen. Note: The strands are well doctored with lots of mousse. And you don’t wanna try this at home coz you don’t want his hands to run through your hair and get stuck there.

6. Bad Breath – If you didn’t get the whiff in the aforementioned drum roll, well, your bad!!!

7. Timing – Highly crucial. If you didn’t hone in on target while the bull’s eye was wide open or vice versa, it sends the wrong signals. A party may get some buffer time to:-

a. Think about what is happening and not answer this question well

b. Come into senses and stop right there

c. Have second thoughts about the ‘moment’ and now mishap.

8. Braces, Spectacles, Nose Pins/Rings, etc – Paraphernalia may well get into the way causing serious physical damage to one or more parties.

9. PDA – You thought you could get away with it, but well, you didn’t You’ve lost the moment and more alright, you probably even have some serious red-faced explaining to do.

This is not an exhaustive list. Additions and editions are welcome.

But one worst kiss still manages to beat all others hands down. A kiss that leads to one party barfing right after – yes, you guys – this is the ultimate insult for the puke inducer. But have no fear – we can still find a day job for you – you could work as a substitute for Electral, you could be appointed at the stadium where athletes puke their guts out right before a weight categorization process, you could even act as an antidote for most poison cases. So there you go!

Well, there’s one more – an arguable close second – a kiss that gives hope at one end and opens eyes at the other.

The inevitable

It may stare you in the face

And you’d try to look through

But there it is all along

His will and something more

The greater book writes for you

What turns you may take

The choices are what make you

The worst and the best

Yet when fate takes her course

You would feel like going back

Begging for the right choice

Or the wrong turn

Knowing that all along

It is Inevitable.

The Dental Visit

Protagonists:

Suravi Shome

Ketan Kaushish aka KT

So this time when I couldn’t put off going to the dentist any more, it turned out that I had waited a little too long and needed an immediate root canal. Suravi and Kinshu were my reinforcements that day. After the procedure, Suravi was at the edge of her seat ready to burst into the clinic and pounce upon the doc and Kinshu was the oh-so-worried dad from “Father has a rough night” pacing up and down talking to HIS mom for some reassurance.

After this ‘incident’ I decided not to make my friends undergo the terrible torture of a visit to the dentist and hence, go alone. Even then, Suravi insisted to come along. She had been really busy lately and I really didn’t want to make her lose out on more precious time, but the thought of the fights and frowns afterwards about how I ignore her or don’t let her come along made me think otherwise. Plus, I thought, it would be a sort of pathetic break for the overloaded placecommer. So KT, Suravi and I set off for the clinic. KT gave us a ride since he stays virtually next door to the dentist. Now at KT’s place I cleverly made Suravi stay with him and walked down to the clinic for the next set of painful procedures. It was much better than she squirming in the waiting room, God bless her soul.

The noisy construction work in my bucket cavity took a good one hour. I walked out of the office feeling guilty about wasting Suravi’s and KT’s time. I called her up and asked her to come down so that we could grab an auto. She said, “Why don’t you come upstairs for a bit”. I figured it would be rude to just go without meeting KT’s mom. So I went upstairs and rang the doorbell. Aunty opened the door and led me in. I turned into the drawing room to find no one. Aunty told me that they were in KT’s room. I walked in to greet my dear old friends who always watch out for me and tell them that all went well, when my jaw dropped. Both of them were sprawled on separate twirling chairs with their mouths half open, staring into the TV playing, wait for it, a video game. It was one of those one-on-one fighting games where you mindlessly press all keys and laugh like retards. Dragon-Ball Z was it? I’m not sure. It was the same game my brother used to play when he was 13, though. So when they finally noticed that someone had walked into the room, they said a quick high and went back to beating each others’ asses and pointing and laughing. They had great strategies in mind – from which player to pick, to which scene to choose. As if it mattered.

After I while I mentioned, “By the way, I’m ok”. And then came another brilliant ideas in their underprivileged minds – “Appu, you should play!” I politely declined. After their much coaxing, I said, “As tempted as I am, I choose not to deteriorate my grey matter with this - thing” So they resigned to calling each other more names.

Then a thought occurred to me – Suravi was supposed to go back and finish up the tomes of pending work. And I felt it was my duty to remind her of it. So, the good friend that I am, I did. And was I in for some serious brickbats. So I succumbed to just watching two 25+ professionals belonging to a post graduate programme in business hit each other aimlessly on the screen with a Zombie look on their faces.

After they were done with the series of One-last-game’s Aunty laid out the most delectable Idlis on the table which I just couldn’t refuse. They were so good that afterwards I forgot to give Suravi a piece of my mind. What the heck – after all, one shouldn’t be harsh on juvenile delinquents.