Torn

I’m torn – between being tight lipped and outspoken, between being expressive or guarded, between being calm and composed and hysterical. I wish there were a special school for Social Protocol. I really need it. I may be blessed with superficial talent, but when it comes to being a simply, happy girl who wants a cozy life, the looking glass shatters.

People I know see me as a confident, intimidating person at first. When I warm up to them, they see a fun person who has a good sense of humour and not many worries in life. When I grow closer to a further few, they see a person who has her problems, who is always there for them. But at times, they also see a person who over reacts about ‘little’ things, who is inconsiderate of others’ feelings, who is selfish, conceited and complacent. They see pride. They see a superiority complex.

I am a simple person. I take things at face value. And yes, I feel. I feel a lot for everyone around me. I am proud of this, because I know not many people genuinely feel for others. I do not manipulate. Rather, I can’t manipulate. I can’t think things through. I often forget things that people say to me or I say to people. I forget if some random person was nasty to me or made a snide remark. It’s highly possible that I go back totally oblivious of what he thinks of me and talk to him in a very jovial manner after a month or two and take him totally by surprise. I joke around a lot; at times, a little too much.

I try to be quiet. I try to be composed and not always be the wisecrack. It may be appreciated by a few people but not by a few others. So for the people who I have hurt unknowingly, I am sorry. I truly am.

I don’t judge people. I really don’t. But after a while, I know that a person is a certain way and if I think I cannot match up to that frequency, I tend to take a step back.

I am a twisted person trying really hard to become sorted out. I want someone to love me. I want a family, a home and true friends. I thank God everyday for being blessed with the family I have and with the true friends that I’ve had over the years. Success for me is to be a good person who is loved by most people. Not someone who is looked up to by people. I don’t want respect for my ability, but respect for the person I am.

I consciously work towards improving myself – towards perfection – as I see it. Perfection for me is not being able to do ten things at a time, but being able to not hurt anyone around, ever – being a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend and a loyal companion.

All I ask for is truth in return. It hurts when people around me twist things up, when they say something and mean something else, when they remember me only when they need one of my ‘talents’, when they play games. Not because I think it’s wrong, but because I can’t play along.

I have fallen - Fallen for good. I would like to rise out of the ashes. But I will need time. And during this time – I can only hope – hope for not being misunderstood, misinterpreted, ignored and used.