I recently conducted a very frivolous, thrilling yet mundane social experiment. I spent two weeks trying to figure out how it is like to date today. I must say, it was fun, at the same time, very very stressful too. In these two weeks, I checked people out, flirted with people, exchanged thoughts and more and even ghosted a few. Purely for research purposes.
As someone who found her mate in 2012, I was lucky enough to escape the big bad world of Tinder. But having been in one of the single capitals of the world aka Hong Kong and being surrounded by single gals who are jostling with good, bad and ugly dates, innumerable apps, and loads of boy trouble, I had a bit of FOMO combined with curiosity to know how taxing this is.
The Secondary Research
In the beginning it started with just listening to the stories. There is a pattern to them. "...met him online.. texted him for a bit... met him for a drink... let's see where it goes.." But the other pattern I drew was the fact that it was a very detached approach to meeting someone. It was very different than how it was for us ten years ago! I guess when you are meeting so many new people every week and also there is a considerable overlap while you meet them - you have no choice but. You just cannot afford to be emotionally consumed else you risk severe arterial damage on a monthly basis, that no yoga can fix. I have friends that have dates on days they don't have gym - almost like a routine. I have those who were on all the dating apps there were and now have gone off the grid - and are abstaining for 6m and counting. I foresee the potential of a certain DA (Dateholics Anonymous) in the making. And then that could be a potential place for you to meet someone? I know gals who are so done with being single in a place like Hong Kong that just because they cannot date here anymore they actually want to move out of the city. No judgements here - I'm just glad I have my Doug.
The Primary Research
So the recent two week holiday seemed like a good time to get my hands dirty. I was going to be with the girls who had enough and more to contribute and advise. I set up a profile. And I already felt like my privacy was heavily invaded. First of all, you can either log in with your facebook account (as if facebook doesn't know enough and more about me) OR with your phone number. And then of course come the pictures - Tinder chooses your best pictures for you - I wonder what algorithm they use - make up on? redder lips? cleavage showing?
And so it began. It is interesting - you get to check profiles out. They do follow the process of 'physical attraction' precedes frequency connect. Well, that's the best you can do, now can you. But I was pleasantly surprised. From the days as a teenager when all you had were shady online chat forums that started with ASL and wanted to end with sex in 5minutes, this was refreshing. People are fairly civil, want to have an actual conversation and want to ensure that you are genuinely interested. I wouldn't say that you DON'T get your share of creeps here and a guy I interviewed vouches for that. However, I'd still say it is relatively much safer.
The other revelation was that technology makes it relatively safe for people to share texts and images. When you start talking to someone they want to move to snapchat - which is safer to share. This was another step I had to take in the digital native world. I am guilty of not having used Snapchat EVER until now. And yes, you feel pretty safe chatting with someone on these forums.
The Ghosting
It's unbelievably easy. So while I had no choice there really and in all fairness most people (yes, Men AND women) I spoke to, knew I was doing my research, however it is a very scary thought to actually be on the receiving end. That explains the self preservation technique that the singles I know have to adopt. There's no way out. But I guess, that's the way the cookie crumbles.
As I heard all these stories of friends, acquaintances, colleagues and even a few strangers in coffee shops, I'd end my 'interviews' with one question "Do you think all these APPs make it easier or harder for you to find the ONE?"
The answers were numbing. Often times, and sadly, there were no answers.
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