Torn

I’m torn – between being tight lipped and outspoken, between being expressive or guarded, between being calm and composed and hysterical. I wish there were a special school for Social Protocol. I really need it. I may be blessed with superficial talent, but when it comes to being a simply, happy girl who wants a cozy life, the looking glass shatters.

People I know see me as a confident, intimidating person at first. When I warm up to them, they see a fun person who has a good sense of humour and not many worries in life. When I grow closer to a further few, they see a person who has her problems, who is always there for them. But at times, they also see a person who over reacts about ‘little’ things, who is inconsiderate of others’ feelings, who is selfish, conceited and complacent. They see pride. They see a superiority complex.

I am a simple person. I take things at face value. And yes, I feel. I feel a lot for everyone around me. I am proud of this, because I know not many people genuinely feel for others. I do not manipulate. Rather, I can’t manipulate. I can’t think things through. I often forget things that people say to me or I say to people. I forget if some random person was nasty to me or made a snide remark. It’s highly possible that I go back totally oblivious of what he thinks of me and talk to him in a very jovial manner after a month or two and take him totally by surprise. I joke around a lot; at times, a little too much.

I try to be quiet. I try to be composed and not always be the wisecrack. It may be appreciated by a few people but not by a few others. So for the people who I have hurt unknowingly, I am sorry. I truly am.

I don’t judge people. I really don’t. But after a while, I know that a person is a certain way and if I think I cannot match up to that frequency, I tend to take a step back.

I am a twisted person trying really hard to become sorted out. I want someone to love me. I want a family, a home and true friends. I thank God everyday for being blessed with the family I have and with the true friends that I’ve had over the years. Success for me is to be a good person who is loved by most people. Not someone who is looked up to by people. I don’t want respect for my ability, but respect for the person I am.

I consciously work towards improving myself – towards perfection – as I see it. Perfection for me is not being able to do ten things at a time, but being able to not hurt anyone around, ever – being a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend and a loyal companion.

All I ask for is truth in return. It hurts when people around me twist things up, when they say something and mean something else, when they remember me only when they need one of my ‘talents’, when they play games. Not because I think it’s wrong, but because I can’t play along.

I have fallen - Fallen for good. I would like to rise out of the ashes. But I will need time. And during this time – I can only hope – hope for not being misunderstood, misinterpreted, ignored and used.

The worst first kiss

DISCLAIMER: All observations and inferences made in the column below are purely based on secondary research – friends, friends of friends, articles in various print media and the internet. None of the opinions are in any manner sprouting from first hand experience. Please do not judge the author based on the views that follow.

So how bad can it get? Well, a lot can go wrong. The run up to a first kiss is always the highlight of a relationship. The ‘drum roll’ as one of Ted’s weird girlfriends puts it in HIMYIM is so much better than the actual kiss. When you kiss, you make it real – then it is two people in the moment. Up to this time, its in your head – so much left to the imagination. You can think beyond any limits about how it would be. But once you are lip to lip – you hit ground zero. Then you get to the ground reality of technicalities – technicalities I’m trying to pen down, that are not coming out tastefully.

The first and foremost disaster that can occur with a first kiss is if one partner’s foot doesn’t pop. ‘Foot popping’ for the uninitiated is a term used by Anne Hathaway in Princess Diaries (yes, this IS gonna be influenced a LOT by chick flicks.. bear with me). When you kiss someone, you know it’s right if your foot pops (read – when you feel weak in the knees or ur tummy turns or some circuit goes short – if you know what I mean). But what if it doesn’t work this way for the guy or the girl? You’ll be lucky if both of you are in the same place. But if only one foot pops, the same foot turns into a kick in the you-know-what.

We’re past Stage I now and it has been established that both parties want to go ahead with this fateful kiss. Now what? Well, don’t let go of your guard just as yet. Tread very cautiously. The following events can turn a ‘moment’ into a mishap:-

1. A cut lip – you thought you’d show how eager you are and well, you taste something funny. It’s your ‘LOWE’s precious blood that you’ve managed to consume – vampire style. The other party is now wary of you and is now wondering if it’s a full moon night.

2. Too much tongue – It’s not just guys who end up doing it. It could be a girl too. And, trust me. Gross is the word.

3. The suckers – In true mosquito tradition, if one party is focussed on turning a kiss into a dehydration process for the other party, well, then Help You God!!

4. A Right Angle – You’re closing in on your target and your noses bump in a head – on, sorry, nosy collision. This doesn’t mean that you guys have big noses. It just means that you have a poor sense of space or are heavily hyper-metropic. To combat this obstacle, hold your beau’s head in your hands, you buffoon!

5. Hair – A guy always likes a girl with long hair. But not if it comes in his mouth. Kisses with flowing manes all over the place look good only on the silver screen. Note: The strands are well doctored with lots of mousse. And you don’t wanna try this at home coz you don’t want his hands to run through your hair and get stuck there.

6. Bad Breath – If you didn’t get the whiff in the aforementioned drum roll, well, your bad!!!

7. Timing – Highly crucial. If you didn’t hone in on target while the bull’s eye was wide open or vice versa, it sends the wrong signals. A party may get some buffer time to:-

a. Think about what is happening and not answer this question well

b. Come into senses and stop right there

c. Have second thoughts about the ‘moment’ and now mishap.

8. Braces, Spectacles, Nose Pins/Rings, etc – Paraphernalia may well get into the way causing serious physical damage to one or more parties.

9. PDA – You thought you could get away with it, but well, you didn’t You’ve lost the moment and more alright, you probably even have some serious red-faced explaining to do.

This is not an exhaustive list. Additions and editions are welcome.

But one worst kiss still manages to beat all others hands down. A kiss that leads to one party barfing right after – yes, you guys – this is the ultimate insult for the puke inducer. But have no fear – we can still find a day job for you – you could work as a substitute for Electral, you could be appointed at the stadium where athletes puke their guts out right before a weight categorization process, you could even act as an antidote for most poison cases. So there you go!

Well, there’s one more – an arguable close second – a kiss that gives hope at one end and opens eyes at the other.